In our hyper-connected, always-on world, hitting ‘cancel’ on plans has never been easier—or more tempting. But what if that moment of relief is actually a down payment on a much steeper, hidden cost? The truth is, our casual flakiness might be quietly eroding the very foundation of our social lives: trust.
The Allure of the Easy Out
Let’s be honest: there’s a unique, almost primal satisfaction in canceling a commitment. That wave of relief when you text, “So sorry, something came up!” is real. For many, especially those grappling with social anxiety, this act provides a powerful, short-term escape from discomfort . It feels like a win—a personal victory for your peace of mind.
But psychologists warn this is a dangerous game. “If it regularly feels good to cancel plans, those plans probably shouldn’t have been made in the first place,” notes Dr. Andrea Bonior . The problem isn’t the occasional cancellation due to a genuine emergency; it’s the pattern of flakiness that’s become normalized.
The True Cost of Canceling Plans
The immediate cost of flaking is paid by your friend, who’s left feeling disappointed, and possibly even rejected . But the long-term bill comes due for you. Habitual cancellations send a clear, unspoken message: you are not reliable. This chips away at your social capital in ways you might not immediately see.
Here’s what you’re really paying for:
- Trust Erosion: Every cancellation, no matter how well-intentioned, is a small withdrawal from your trust account with others. Over time, your friends may simply stop inviting you, assuming you’ll bail .
- Social Isolation: As you’re excluded from future plans, your social circle can begin to shrink, leading to increased feelings of loneliness and isolation .
- Reinforced Anxiety: For those canceling due to anxiety, the short-term relief actually reinforces the fear, making future social interactions even harder and potentially worsening the anxiety long-term .
The Flakiness Epidemic
We’re living through what some are calling a “flakiness epidemic,” where insincere commitments have become the norm in friendships, dating, and even professional relationships . The normalization of this behavior is quietly destroying our social connections . It’s not just about being ghosted; it’s about the slow, steady drip of unreliability that poisons relationships from within.
Are You a Chronic Canceller?
Ask yourself these questions:
- Do you frequently make plans you know you might not want to keep?
- Do you feel a sense of dread as the event time approaches?
- Do you rely on a list of “tired excuses” like sudden illness or unexpected work ?
If you answered yes, it might be time to re-evaluate your approach to making and keeping commitments.
How to Break the Cycle
The solution isn’t to never cancel again—it’s to be more intentional. Before you agree to a plan, be honest with yourself about your energy and desire to attend. If you must cancel, do it as early as possible and, crucially, be honest. Research from Michigan State University shows that while most people say a cancellation won’t ruin a friendship, they are deeply upset if they discover a lie was used as the reason .
Building strong, resilient relationships requires showing up—both physically and emotionally. The next time you’re tempted to flake, remember: the cost of that moment of comfort might be your most valuable relationships.
